Why does dating have to be so scary?

Because who likes rejection? No one. That’s why.

Despite being single most of my adult life (I was a serial dater as a toddler, lemme tell ya), I often find myself in the position of giving dating advice to my friends. Well, more like relationship advice. Which I always thought was kind of funny, given that until recently, I had no real relationship experience. But I think they appreciated hearing an outsider’s point of view. I guess I was more objective because I wasn’t bringing my own baggage of boyfriends past into the mix.

Hopefully this isn't my life in a few years...

But now that I do have baggage – some that I wish would just get lost in between connecting flights – I’m finding that I can now offer some sage wisdom (hah right) to a different group of friends: the eternally single ones. This is a group of which I used to be a card-carrying member. Actually, it’s probably time to renew my membership.

Although for the time being, I’m OK with that. It’s a comfortable place for me; I know how to act and think like a single gal. Yes, there are times I crave companionship, but being single for me right now is simply more stable. Because if there’s anything I need, it’s some stability in my life. Don’t worry – I’m not swearing off men completely. Just taking a much-needed breather while I get my life back in order.

So until that happens, I will live vicariously through my girlfriends who are stuck in the twilight zone of the dating world.

From blind dates to the DTR (the imperative “Define The Relationship” talk, usually initiated by the female), the stages of dating can drive you nuts. The doubts, the affirmations, the butterflies, the tears – it can all be a little much to bear. But what I found myself telling a friend recently was this: it might make you crazy, but it’s way more fun to have an infatuation than to be sitting alone on your hand-me-down couch, a glass of wine and microwave popcorn for dinner, watching “Sex and the City.” We’ve all been there. It is a great movie, though…

I know all too well the thoughts that permeate the brain when you’ve got a possible love interest. What does he think about me? Could I see myself dating him? How does my name sound with his last name? What kind of wedding would we have? What would our kids’ names be?

This is one of the eternally single girl’s biggest pitfalls. It’s not that we actually want to marry this person already (believe it or not, most of us are not ready to get married yet, either), but we look so far into the future because that’s how we judge our potential boyfriends. If he’s not marriage material, why waste your time? Right? Wrong. Just because you might not marry him doesn’t mean you can’t date him and, if you’re smart, learn something new about relationships and apply it to the next guy.

This should read: "Avoid texting while dining."

Because by planning out your lives together before you’ve even finished the appetizer on the first date, you psych yourself out into thinking that maybe he is the one, despite the fact that he just picked his teeth and is now texting his friends. At dinner.

You ignore all the reasons why you should run – fast – and instead you build this fantasy just because he seems mildly interested in you. Even if he is really into you, even if he seems like the perfect guy, avoid the fantasy. If nothing else, you build him up so much in your mind that you begin to think he is perfect and waaay out of your league, when he most likely is not. In fact, it is quite possibly the opposite, but because you don’t hold yourself high enough in your own eyes, you act as if you don’t deserve this most perfect (but not really) dreamboat that you are oh-so-privileged to have dinner with.

The reality of the situation is this: just because this might be your first date with the guy you’ve been eyeing for weeks, or perhaps your first date ever, doesn’t make you any less in control of the situation. You have just as much say in how you feel about him as he does about you. One date is not the be-all, end-all of your love life. If you’re not feeling it, oh well. He might be a really great guy, but just not the guy for you, and that’s ok. (Just remember that when the situation is reversed. It’s a tough lesson to learn, but the world won’t collapse because one guy doesn’t want to date you.)

Don’t pin all your hopes on this one guy just because he asked you out or because there’s no one else to choose from. Settling for less than you deserve is dangerous. So is focusing so much on meeting his expectations and standards that you forget about your own.

Look at it this way: if it doesn’t work out, at the very least one or both of you will realize that you’re not a perfect match and you’ll never hear from each other again. But, you might also just make a new friend. Finding a boyfriend is like looking for a job – it’s all about networking. You aren’t going to find someone by sticking to the same group of friends, unless your names are Ross and Rachel. So maybe your date didn’t go so well, but who’s to say he won’t turn out to be the guy who introduces you to the one somewhere down the line?

For more, check out Part two.

A trip to my happy place

After a luxuriously long weekend in Charlotte, I was overwhelmed by things I could blog about. Instead of a 14-page-long novella on the last few days, I’ve opted to instead write a post on things that make me happy. Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list, but simply a selection of what has recently left me satisfied and smiling. That’s what she said.

They may look ridiculous, but they sure are fun.

 

Smart Cars. If you’re ever having a bad day, just take a trip in one. Giggles and ridiculousness ensue. Therapists should recommend renting these things out by the hour as an alternative to anti-depressants. They’re just so silly; you can’t help but smile when you catch your reflection while driving one.  

New bras. Or just new underwear in general. But when you’ve lost about 15 pounds (depending on the scale…), the ladies need some new support. Let’s just say it’s been a while since I haven’t been able to fill out a bra. And a trip to Vicki’s (especially on Mom’s credit card) lifts more than your spirits.  

“That’s what she said” jokes. You know you’ve entered adulthood when you can make dirty jokes with your parents. ”Hurry up and put that in your mouth. I need your hands.” Also… ”His sword is bigger than yours.”

Old friends, new friends. It was great to catch up with my high school girlfriends, and awesome to realize I missed my Culpeper friends, too. I am truly blessed to have such amazing people in my life. 

Smokey Oats. Funny name, great preacher. Smokey, or “the breakfast cereal,” as my brother calls him, is serving as our church’s assistant priest until they find an interim. Always energetic, his sermons are worth listening to. He made a really good point Sunday when he said, “You can’t have Easter without Good Friday.” Nobody likes the Good Fridays of our lives, but we need them to truly appreciate the Easters. You’ve got to endure the worst before things get better. And believe me, things do get better. I promise. But you have to have faith. There’s a plan, even if you have no idea what it is yet. Keep the faith. 

People being excited to see you. Whether it’s seeing familiar faces in your hometown or meeting your possible future coworkers who are in desperate need of some extra help, it’s a great feeling when people are truly thrilled to see you. Who doesn’t love to feel loved and needed? 

G&Ts: refreshing and delicious.

 

G&Ts. Also, red wine. These are my two favorite drinks. There are others, but these are the classics. Looking forward to this summer when Dad will fix Mom and me our endless supply of gin & tonics — with extra lime, of course — despite the fact that he hates them. These are most often served during our week at the beach, although Mom and Dad are thinking of going to the mountains this summer instead. Not sure how I feel about that yet. 

Reimbursement checks from the DMV. Even if it’s only $16, it’s nice to get money back from the government. You just have to sell your car out of state after having just renewed the Virginia registration to get some of it back. Whatev. 

Getting over my fear of CiCi’s pizza. Not that I was ever really afraid of CiCi’s, but I ate at one for the first time Monday since being left at one in the 5th grade. I was at a birthday party and a friend and I were in the game room when the party upped and left, not realizing we weren’t with them. But I’m over it. Also, I don’t think I was missing anything having not been to a CiCi’s in nearly 15 years.

Azaleas. Or simply Charlotte in the springtime. The brilliant hues of blooming azalea bushes lining the streets and neighborhoods around the Queen City are stunning. I miss that; I have yet to see the magnitude of azalea blossoms elsewhere like those found in Charlotte. 

Deviled eggs. No explanation necessary.

An oldie but a goodie.

 

Old Spice. I don’t know what it is, but something about that scent is magnificent. Keep it simple, guys. It took me a while to figure out it was Old Spice I liked so much, but I finally got my answer when I recently ran into a guy I hung out with some last summer. Catching a whiff, I remembered how much it drove me nuts, and I had to ask him what he was wearing. I laughed when he confessed it was simply Old Spice I’d been pining for all this time.

Although I’m still a little perplexed as to why a pair of my pajama pants (that have been sitting clean and folded in a drawer for weeks) were steeped in the scent when I pulled them out last night. And it has nothing to do with that guy — or any other, for that matter. At least not as far as I’m aware. It’s possible someone is breaking into my apartment and wearing my clothes, then folding them up and putting them neatly away in my drawers. Weird. The mystery should probably bother me more than it does, but then I smell them and I don’t really care how they came to smell that way. 

Clean sheets. There are few things more comforting than crisp, clean sheets, especially when washed and folded with love. Although one thing better would have been for the sheets fairy to have magically made up my bed for me. That hasn’t happened since I left home. Funny how that works. 

Wegmans. A friend and I spent nearly three hours at Wegmans today. We decided we just wanted to get the heck out of Culpeper, and opted to go north. We ended up there after an overpriced lunch at a Tex-Mex grill in Gainsville, and spent the rest of the afternoon soaking up the grandeur that is Wegmans. I’d been twice before, but this was his first trip. He doubted at first, but quickly learned: never doubt Wegmans. 

From obscure beers to inexpensive Spanish reds, this store has it all. Not to mention the dining area, complete with an Asian bar, a gelato/coffee shop and a seafood restaurant. After thoroughly exploring all that the grocery area had to offer, we enjoyed a glass of red wine and some crab soup before a few scoops of cool mint chocolate gelato and rich coffee. Gym tomorrow, I promise. 

Ok, that’s enough for now. Happy hump day.