Bringing the cheerful calamity back

If I have any readers left after a nearly three-month hiatus, I apologize for being MIA. I’m not exactly sure why I haven’t been writing. I posted on facebook a while back that I was “too busy being a cheerful calamity to write about being a cheerful calamity,” which was true. But it’s also a lazy excuse because the things that have been happening in the last three months are exactly what I should have been blogging about.

I think I lost inspiration to write sometime last fall and simply got in the habit of not writing. But lucky for you, my loyal followers (if you even exist), I’m hoping to fix that. Let me catch you up to speed.

I wasn’t supposed to work one Monday back in late November — I had the day off. But because there was an event that my editor asked me to cover. And because this was kind of an important event, I made sure to look professional. I knew there would be at least one TV reporter there and, well, newspaper reporters are notoriously schleppy. So, donning my favorite black pencil skirt, heels and a patterned cardigan, I did my best to look at least on par with the other media.

There was nothing noteworthy about the event itself, but the two-minute conversation I had with a stranger afterward has vastly affected my life since. Thank goodness I dressed up that day.

Without going into detail about the specifics of the event (because for the purposes of this blog, they’re inconsequential), a guy I didn’t know approached me and said the following:

“Excuse me, but have we met before?”

What I said: “Um, no… I don’t think so.” What I thought: “Nice try, buddy.”

“No, I’m pretty sure we’ve met before. Do you know (insert name of my college roommate here)?”

Me: “Uh… what?? YES I know her! She was my roommate in college for three years! Wait, how do you know her? And how do you know that I know her?”

Turns out the guy — I’ll call him B — is from Richmond and went to high school with my college roommate/one of my closest gal pals. He’d noticed the UR sticker on my car and, knowing she also went to UR, figured he’d chance it and see if the connection was there. Lucky for him (and me), it was.

We exchanged cards and — perhaps against my better judgment — I emailed him 23 minutes later. Turns out my lesser judgment was the winner in this scenario, because we began an extensive gmail conversation — “just like ‘You’ve Got Mail’! a friend told me later — and by the third email, he’d asked me out.

Two weeks later I found myself in Richmond “to go Christmas shopping” but really, to go on that date with B. And today, about six weeks after that first date, he’s sitting here snowed in with me in Danville for the weekend.

When I had to leave Culpeper last year, I didn’t understand why. Why I’d lost my job, why I had to move — or most of all — why I had to move to Danville (no offense to a lovely city I now have grown quite fond of). But I’d made great friends, I’d won awards for my writing — and ultimately I felt like it was all in vain. I didn’t know why it all happened, but I also knew that I’d figure it out. There was a reason behind the shit, but I just had to be patient and open to the possibility that there was something better for me, beyond the life I had.

I’m not going to be overly dramatic and say that B is the answer to all of my problems, because 1) it’s not true and 2) that would be a simple-minded way to think. But I also know now that meeting him — and in such a serendipitous way — was one of many of the reasons I was supposed to come to Danville when I did.

Another reason I know I was meant to come to Danville (totally unrelated to the previous) is the fact that I have found this niche for myself in political journalism that I never knew existed. I’ve become passionate about Virginia politics and I love covering it more than any other beat I’ve had. I’m not sure I would have discovered that had I not moved here. I still don’t really have any idea what I want to ultimately do with my life, but now I at least feel like I’m moving in a general direction rather than simply wandering.

There’s a quote from the charming aforementioned “You’ve Got Mail,” in which Meg Ryan’s character says:

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life — well, valuable, but small — and sometimes I wonder: do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave?

That completely describes my thoughts about my life in Culpeper. I was willing to stay there and settle because it was comfortable and easy. I think now, after everything, I much more like the idea of being brave.

A new beginning

Surprisingly, I’m doing pretty well considering I just uprooted my life and moved to a completely foreign place. And although it was tough to say goodbye to Culpeper, I didn’t cry as much as I expected. Maybe my mom was right – I certainly cried enough in March. Maybe I’m just done crying for a while. I’d say when you get to the point that you wake up with chapped, peeling skin under your eyes (I didn’t know that was possible) from days of endless tears, you’ve had your fair share of crying for the year.

I must say I had the most fabulous sendoff my last week in Culpeper. The Musician, The Drummer and their band played a set dedicated to me at open mic night, which included “I Will Survive,” “Say It Ain’t So” and “Shine,” an original. And later, just The Musician played a song I actually wrote, which he set to music. It was incredible to hear my words sung aloud by another person – especially by someone who knew and understood the thoughts behind the words. If he ever gets around to recording it for his demo CD, I’ll figure out how to post it.

In my year and a half there, I made a lot of friends. I also lost a few, but can happily say I’ve reconnected with all but one. That one I don’t expect to reconcile with anytime soon – if ever – and I don’t need to. I think some people aren’t meant to stay in your life, and when your time with them ends, it ends, and there is no reason to maintain a relationship except for nostalgia. Sometimes I think about him, and I think, “I don’t even know who that person is anymore.” I stumble upon old pictures and it’s like he’s just someone I briefly knew once. I think I’m finally getting close to being able to close the door on that part of my life. And I mean that in a good, healthy way.

But it’s funny how leaving can also bring other people back together. Leaving can make you realize how ridiculous past indiscretions were. You realize that whatever it was that happened is dwarfed by the fact that you just want to tell your friend – who at one time was one of your closest – how much she meant to you, and how much it sucked that you had a falling out. And you wonder how everything else might have changed if things had turned out differently. But you can’t play that game.

Leaving – and moving somewhere new – also makes you realize how much you truly care about those you’re leaving. My sendoff left me feeling so completely and utterly loved that my heart ached. Ached from the love and from how much I already miss them.

But here I am, a new person in a new place with a new job and a new life. The cheerful calamity lives on.

Read more here.

Part Two: The infatuation begins…

(This is a follow up to Why does dating have to be so scary?)

So maybe the date was a bust. On the other hand, maybe it went really well. It’s now been a month, and you two are having dinner twice a week and text each other every night. Maybe you’ve kissed, maybe not. But you haven’t had the talk. You know, the talk. The DTR. You don’t want to be the first to bring it up – who does? – but inside you are dying to figure out what exactly is going on. What do you call your “relationship” with this person? Are you dating? If not, are you even on the path to dating? Do you want to be? Are you even on the same page?

"And then, we hugged. I think he's the one!"

You spend hours on the phone with your girlfriends, analyzing his every sentence and every gesture. Maybe you want a relationship, but he thinks you’re just friends. Maybe vice versa. Or maybe you’re both just too awkward and nervous to confess that you – gasp! – like each other.

Here’s my advice for those of you who may find yourself in this situation: Do. Not. Force. It. If it’s going to happen, it’ll happen. If he likes you, he’ll show it.

I’ve had a good bit of experience in this particular stage of dating because unfortunately for me, I was an expert at misreading the signs. I was always thinking there was a blossoming relationship when actually, there was just a guy who enjoyed my company (and maybe even a kiss or two) but didn’t want to commit to anything that remotely resembled a relationship. I really know how to pick ‘em, hmm?

I highly recommend this book, or anything by Greg Behrendt.

Don’t try so hard to be what you think he wants that you lose sight of what you want. And don’t feel guilty for wanting something you’re not getting. You deserve to be happy, and if he isn’t making you happy, move on.

I realized how ridiculous I’d been when I met someone who actually pursued me, instead of trying my best to force a relationship on someone who didn’t want one. Although six months later, he turned out to be pretty much the same as all the others, unfortunately. But my point is, at the time, he was interested and he made it clear. I didn’t have to force anything, although I still found myself impatient and trying to push things along.

But really, what is the rush? In all of my romantic blunders in the past year and a half, that’s what comes to mind. So what if it’s been two months of “hanging out” but you still don’t really know what’s going on? I wonder if I had just been more patient with those situations, and enjoyed them for what they were at the time – new friendships – I could have saved myself some heartache, because I wouldn’t have forced the romance so much.

I'm pretty sure I read the CliffsNotes version.

However, therein lies the Catch-22. There is a fine line between being patient and putting up with less than you deserve. I genuinely liked those people and desired a deeper relationship. That’s what I wanted, and I made it pretty clear. And that’s when things fell apart. It hurt at the time, but I’m better off for hearing the harsh truth.

So if you find yourself in a similar situation, ask yourself this: what is it that you want out of your relationship with this person? If you want a relationship just for the sake of having one, perhaps you need to reevaluate the person you’ve been spending so much time with and why. You might be putting up with a lot just to move forward with someone who’s not right for you.

If you truly like this person, why do you think you are feeling impatient? If it’s simply to define the situation because you don’t like having so many unknowns, maybe just let things play out. Like I said, if it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen.

But if it’s because you simply cannot contain your desire to be with that person, to tell them how happy they make you, then maybe it’s time for the DTR – however scared you might be. Good luck :)

I know it’s daunting – anytime you face possible rejection it’s terrifying. I’m not saying you need to ask out every guy in your life, or confess your undying love for your barista at Starbucks, but if you want to get anywhere, you have to put yourself out there. You won’t ever gain anything without risking something.

I may currently be single – and I may have endured quite enough heartbreak for one year – but I have also learned more about myself and what I deserve because I finally decided I wasn’t going to just sit back and let everyone else experience life and love.

Why does dating have to be so scary?

Because who likes rejection? No one. That’s why.

Despite being single most of my adult life (I was a serial dater as a toddler, lemme tell ya), I often find myself in the position of giving dating advice to my friends. Well, more like relationship advice. Which I always thought was kind of funny, given that until recently, I had no real relationship experience. But I think they appreciated hearing an outsider’s point of view. I guess I was more objective because I wasn’t bringing my own baggage of boyfriends past into the mix.

Hopefully this isn't my life in a few years...

But now that I do have baggage – some that I wish would just get lost in between connecting flights – I’m finding that I can now offer some sage wisdom (hah right) to a different group of friends: the eternally single ones. This is a group of which I used to be a card-carrying member. Actually, it’s probably time to renew my membership.

Although for the time being, I’m OK with that. It’s a comfortable place for me; I know how to act and think like a single gal. Yes, there are times I crave companionship, but being single for me right now is simply more stable. Because if there’s anything I need, it’s some stability in my life. Don’t worry – I’m not swearing off men completely. Just taking a much-needed breather while I get my life back in order.

So until that happens, I will live vicariously through my girlfriends who are stuck in the twilight zone of the dating world.

From blind dates to the DTR (the imperative “Define The Relationship” talk, usually initiated by the female), the stages of dating can drive you nuts. The doubts, the affirmations, the butterflies, the tears – it can all be a little much to bear. But what I found myself telling a friend recently was this: it might make you crazy, but it’s way more fun to have an infatuation than to be sitting alone on your hand-me-down couch, a glass of wine and microwave popcorn for dinner, watching “Sex and the City.” We’ve all been there. It is a great movie, though…

I know all too well the thoughts that permeate the brain when you’ve got a possible love interest. What does he think about me? Could I see myself dating him? How does my name sound with his last name? What kind of wedding would we have? What would our kids’ names be?

This is one of the eternally single girl’s biggest pitfalls. It’s not that we actually want to marry this person already (believe it or not, most of us are not ready to get married yet, either), but we look so far into the future because that’s how we judge our potential boyfriends. If he’s not marriage material, why waste your time? Right? Wrong. Just because you might not marry him doesn’t mean you can’t date him and, if you’re smart, learn something new about relationships and apply it to the next guy.

This should read: "Avoid texting while dining."

Because by planning out your lives together before you’ve even finished the appetizer on the first date, you psych yourself out into thinking that maybe he is the one, despite the fact that he just picked his teeth and is now texting his friends. At dinner.

You ignore all the reasons why you should run – fast – and instead you build this fantasy just because he seems mildly interested in you. Even if he is really into you, even if he seems like the perfect guy, avoid the fantasy. If nothing else, you build him up so much in your mind that you begin to think he is perfect and waaay out of your league, when he most likely is not. In fact, it is quite possibly the opposite, but because you don’t hold yourself high enough in your own eyes, you act as if you don’t deserve this most perfect (but not really) dreamboat that you are oh-so-privileged to have dinner with.

The reality of the situation is this: just because this might be your first date with the guy you’ve been eyeing for weeks, or perhaps your first date ever, doesn’t make you any less in control of the situation. You have just as much say in how you feel about him as he does about you. One date is not the be-all, end-all of your love life. If you’re not feeling it, oh well. He might be a really great guy, but just not the guy for you, and that’s ok. (Just remember that when the situation is reversed. It’s a tough lesson to learn, but the world won’t collapse because one guy doesn’t want to date you.)

Don’t pin all your hopes on this one guy just because he asked you out or because there’s no one else to choose from. Settling for less than you deserve is dangerous. So is focusing so much on meeting his expectations and standards that you forget about your own.

Look at it this way: if it doesn’t work out, at the very least one or both of you will realize that you’re not a perfect match and you’ll never hear from each other again. But, you might also just make a new friend. Finding a boyfriend is like looking for a job – it’s all about networking. You aren’t going to find someone by sticking to the same group of friends, unless your names are Ross and Rachel. So maybe your date didn’t go so well, but who’s to say he won’t turn out to be the guy who introduces you to the one somewhere down the line?

For more, check out Part two.

A trip to my happy place

After a luxuriously long weekend in Charlotte, I was overwhelmed by things I could blog about. Instead of a 14-page-long novella on the last few days, I’ve opted to instead write a post on things that make me happy. Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list, but simply a selection of what has recently left me satisfied and smiling. That’s what she said.

They may look ridiculous, but they sure are fun.

 

Smart Cars. If you’re ever having a bad day, just take a trip in one. Giggles and ridiculousness ensue. Therapists should recommend renting these things out by the hour as an alternative to anti-depressants. They’re just so silly; you can’t help but smile when you catch your reflection while driving one.  

New bras. Or just new underwear in general. But when you’ve lost about 15 pounds (depending on the scale…), the ladies need some new support. Let’s just say it’s been a while since I haven’t been able to fill out a bra. And a trip to Vicki’s (especially on Mom’s credit card) lifts more than your spirits.  

“That’s what she said” jokes. You know you’ve entered adulthood when you can make dirty jokes with your parents. ”Hurry up and put that in your mouth. I need your hands.” Also… ”His sword is bigger than yours.”

Old friends, new friends. It was great to catch up with my high school girlfriends, and awesome to realize I missed my Culpeper friends, too. I am truly blessed to have such amazing people in my life. 

Smokey Oats. Funny name, great preacher. Smokey, or “the breakfast cereal,” as my brother calls him, is serving as our church’s assistant priest until they find an interim. Always energetic, his sermons are worth listening to. He made a really good point Sunday when he said, “You can’t have Easter without Good Friday.” Nobody likes the Good Fridays of our lives, but we need them to truly appreciate the Easters. You’ve got to endure the worst before things get better. And believe me, things do get better. I promise. But you have to have faith. There’s a plan, even if you have no idea what it is yet. Keep the faith. 

People being excited to see you. Whether it’s seeing familiar faces in your hometown or meeting your possible future coworkers who are in desperate need of some extra help, it’s a great feeling when people are truly thrilled to see you. Who doesn’t love to feel loved and needed? 

G&Ts: refreshing and delicious.

 

G&Ts. Also, red wine. These are my two favorite drinks. There are others, but these are the classics. Looking forward to this summer when Dad will fix Mom and me our endless supply of gin & tonics — with extra lime, of course — despite the fact that he hates them. These are most often served during our week at the beach, although Mom and Dad are thinking of going to the mountains this summer instead. Not sure how I feel about that yet. 

Reimbursement checks from the DMV. Even if it’s only $16, it’s nice to get money back from the government. You just have to sell your car out of state after having just renewed the Virginia registration to get some of it back. Whatev. 

Getting over my fear of CiCi’s pizza. Not that I was ever really afraid of CiCi’s, but I ate at one for the first time Monday since being left at one in the 5th grade. I was at a birthday party and a friend and I were in the game room when the party upped and left, not realizing we weren’t with them. But I’m over it. Also, I don’t think I was missing anything having not been to a CiCi’s in nearly 15 years.

Azaleas. Or simply Charlotte in the springtime. The brilliant hues of blooming azalea bushes lining the streets and neighborhoods around the Queen City are stunning. I miss that; I have yet to see the magnitude of azalea blossoms elsewhere like those found in Charlotte. 

Deviled eggs. No explanation necessary.

An oldie but a goodie.

 

Old Spice. I don’t know what it is, but something about that scent is magnificent. Keep it simple, guys. It took me a while to figure out it was Old Spice I liked so much, but I finally got my answer when I recently ran into a guy I hung out with some last summer. Catching a whiff, I remembered how much it drove me nuts, and I had to ask him what he was wearing. I laughed when he confessed it was simply Old Spice I’d been pining for all this time.

Although I’m still a little perplexed as to why a pair of my pajama pants (that have been sitting clean and folded in a drawer for weeks) were steeped in the scent when I pulled them out last night. And it has nothing to do with that guy — or any other, for that matter. At least not as far as I’m aware. It’s possible someone is breaking into my apartment and wearing my clothes, then folding them up and putting them neatly away in my drawers. Weird. The mystery should probably bother me more than it does, but then I smell them and I don’t really care how they came to smell that way. 

Clean sheets. There are few things more comforting than crisp, clean sheets, especially when washed and folded with love. Although one thing better would have been for the sheets fairy to have magically made up my bed for me. That hasn’t happened since I left home. Funny how that works. 

Wegmans. A friend and I spent nearly three hours at Wegmans today. We decided we just wanted to get the heck out of Culpeper, and opted to go north. We ended up there after an overpriced lunch at a Tex-Mex grill in Gainsville, and spent the rest of the afternoon soaking up the grandeur that is Wegmans. I’d been twice before, but this was his first trip. He doubted at first, but quickly learned: never doubt Wegmans. 

From obscure beers to inexpensive Spanish reds, this store has it all. Not to mention the dining area, complete with an Asian bar, a gelato/coffee shop and a seafood restaurant. After thoroughly exploring all that the grocery area had to offer, we enjoyed a glass of red wine and some crab soup before a few scoops of cool mint chocolate gelato and rich coffee. Gym tomorrow, I promise. 

Ok, that’s enough for now. Happy hump day.

Can’t read my poker face

I ran into my ex’s sister on Sunday at Walgreen’s. I’ve only ever met her twice, and I ran into her in the greeting card aisle (there’s got to be some irony there). The only reason I was even in Walgreen’s was because I needed cash on my way out of town and the Wachovia ATM was broken. 

I walked in and picked up some deodorant — you gotta buy something in order to get cash back — and as I walked past the rows of Hallmark sentiments, I noticed her. “I think that was his sister…” I thought as I stood in the next aisle. Frozen, I wasn’t sure what to do. She had not seen me, and I contemplated simply avoiding the confrontation all together. But instead I put on my best poker face and opted to say hello. 

She was clearly surprised to see me, and I’m not sure if I startled her because she is shy or because she didn’t know what to say to me. We made small talk for a few minutes before I headed out, and I was ultimately glad I spoke to her. Neither of us mentioned him. I’m not bitter, but I’m trying to move on and the truth is, it’s still hard for me to deal with the way he seems to pop up in my life. 

Whether it’s seeing his name on junk mail at the house where he used to live (and where I still hang out with one of my best friends/his ex-roommate) or learning something major about mutual friends that I’m dying to talk to him about — he’s still around, even if he isn’t. Even though he’s away at school and I’ve avoided his Facebook page like the plague, he still manages to slip through the filters. I could have just defriended him and avoided the stress, but like I said, I’m not bitter and I don’t want to seem that way. I know I shouldn’t even care what he thinks, but I do.  

Can I borrow her poker face?

Unfortunately this is a small town and the people you want to avoid the most are the ones who continually show up. Although I have loved living here, I will be ready to leave. But until then, I’ve got to pull a Lady GaGa and hope that no one can read my poker face. Of course, this blog post rips that face to shreds, but what can I say? I wear my heart on my MacBook screen.

April showers bring me hope

Hello, world. Welcome to “the cheerful calamity.” After a tumultuous March, I’m starting the month of April fresh. That means — among other things — pursuing a desire I’ve always wanted to do but never made the time for: starting a blog. 

Last month (in the span of less than two weeks, to be specific) my boyfriend broke up with me, I lost my job and someone ran into my car. Classic FML fodder. They say things come in threes, and that was definitely true for me.

Ever the optimist and normally a cheerful person, I was not myself and pretty down after the first two blows. In short, I was blindsided and utterly devastated. But when the third blow hit — literally — and my neighbor rear-ended my innocently parked car on the street, I snapped back. I realized that my life was clearly not in my control and at this point, I had to just go along with it. And I laughed. (Her insurance is paying for it, btw. Not sure I’d be laughing otherwise.)

As much as they sucked initially, I now realize that all three were blessings in disguise. The car, along with the help of my friends and family, brought me back to life. And the loss of the other two have given me the opportunity to leave a town that may have been holding me back and seek some truly amazing opportunities that I never would have pursued otherwise. I now have the freedom to do whatever and go wherever I want, and although liberating, that freedom is also a little terrifying.

But I’d say things are looking up. 

I promise this blog won’t always be so serious, but I wanted to give you an intro into the current chapter of my life story while I work on the next. And to quote GiGi from “He’s Just Not That Into You” (applicable to more than just guys):

“Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy. Maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.”

Check back for updates… hopefully only good news from here on out :)